Going to the mall? Bah-humbug.
The holidays are creeping up, which means a season of crazy is about to hit us like a ton of bricks.
Inevitably, we'll all experience the misery of mall shopping, bringing out emotions that only the mall can: dread before you leave; panicked when you walk in; disgust as you walk through the food court; overwhelmed by the amount of stuff you must choose between; frustrated by nearly everything; and relief as soon as you leave with a gift in hand.
The top 5 most miserable things about the mall during the holidays (and ways you can avoid them)
1. THE CROWDS
It's stupid how crowded it is at the mall year around. But the holidays? It's just wrong. There shouldn't be so many people in one place in a season that requires coats.
The solution: online shopping - the biggest crowd you'll run into is when a server gets jammed from too much traffic. Frustrating? Yes. But, far more tolerable than physical crowds of shoppers.
2. THE TEMPERATURE OF THE MALL
Did you know that a human body puts out the same amount of heat as a light bulb? Someone told me that once. I guess I don't really know how true it is, but it seems right to me. The thousands of people hustling around with parkas definitely increase the temp of the mall - the same way that thousands of extra lightbulbs would.
The solution: don't wear a coat and shop in off hours when there are fewer people/lightbulbs around. Or, better yet, online shopping.
3. THE COMBINATION OF WEIRD SMELLS
At my local mall, it seems like every five shops sell something scented - soaps, candles, or cologne and perfume. And they all smell pretty gross. Then, there's the food court that features the smell of pizza, burgers, Chinese food, sugary treats, deli foods, etc. Any of these on its own would probably smell good. But in combination with each other, and all the other intense scents wafting through the mall air, it's pretty damn disgusting.
Solution: don't breathe...? Really, though, the only option is online shopping.
Speaking of disgusting, malls have got to be the reason that the flu picks up pace around the holidays. There are so many people - especially kids - touching EVERYTHING. The elevator buttons. The escalator railings. All the merchandise. The tables in the food court. And, I'm pretty sure only 25 percent of the population actually washes their hands after using the bathroom. Basically, everything at the mall is covered in invisible filth just waiting to get you sick.
Solution: hand sanitizer. Or, online shopping.
5. HOLIDAY MUSIC ON REPEAT
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Santa Baby. The Hanukkah Song. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Last Christmas.
And, those are just to name a few.
Solution: ear buds and your favorite music app. Or, online shopping.
What else annoys you about the mall during the holidays?
I know, basically everything is annoying, but let us know. You might help us create our next meme.